I remember the first time I saw a lava lamp. No I don’t remember which extended family member’s home I saw it in, but I might offer some guesses. I stared at the thing fascinated. I literally couldn’t stop looking at it. My father was and is an electrician, why did the Shaw family have no lava lamps? Did my mom and my dad both recognize this thing as a thousand times cooler than any of the silly and stale lights in our humble home? Oh I suppose it was no secret to mom, dad, or any of the uncles; but someone in the family was a secret hippy.
There sometime in my early adulthood, my folks, having always remembered my love of that lava light, gifted me with one of my own. I loved it and I named it “George.” That’s exactly right, damn you, I named my lava lamp,” George,” and I loved it. It’s no failing of mine should you fail to heap the deserved affection and such upon the lighting fixtures in your home. Ask not what your lava light can do for you, ask what you can do for George, your lava light.
Yes, yes, yes; I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’ve twisted off and been thrown off a time too many. That I don’t bathe often, and I reek of strange smoky smells. You’re wrong, wrong by a long shot. I’m so alternative I pirate even my Grateful Dead tunes, because that’s just how hippie I am. Where’s the love, Maaaaaan? The question here is not whether or not you need a lava lamp, the question is whether or not the love of the lava lamp has found a place in your heart, whether the lava lamp has transformed your spirit. Walk towards the light, sinner, get yourself a lava light.
Why back in my younger primes, a man had ta walk three miles uphill to go to a store to buy his self a gosh darned lava light. Nowadays these youngsters just don’t appreciate how easy it is to get their lava lamp coolness on, their groove thang. That hippy dippy trippy, you skippy? They come in all shapes and sizes now, and …there have apparently been breakthroughs in lava lamp technology, thanks be to the gods of lava lamp science. In the beginning, the hippy god said, “Let there be lava light,” and it was good….I mean, groovy.
I mean to tell ya, these lava lamps that look like some sort of…bizarre pleasure toy, I don’t know what to think about it. I want me a lava lamp that looks like cat woman…I mean Anne Hathaway. Scratch that, just give me a date with Anne Hathaway…so long as she understands she’s paying for it….I’m a cheap date, let’s just go to your place and stare at your lava lamp. Oh some call them “mood lamps,” or even “motion lamps.” I feel calling them those things is a disservice to the lava; I’m a guy who likes to give credit where credit is due. It’s that molten lava in those things that make them so special. I mean, how do they get actual volcanic lava, and put it into a light anyway? This modern world …somethin’ else, I tell ya!
What happened to my lava lamp? Oh the bulb burned out in it. I’m not sure I’ve ever known of a light bulb to last as many years as that thing did. Replacement bulbs are available. These bulbs get VERY hot, as they must, in order to keep the wax hot and …groovy.
I’d imagine somewhere out there in the drab McMansion editions of urban sprawl there is a young man or woman who has never seen a lava lamp. Dry your eyes…there there….you can save them. Yes you! You can get that non-groovy kiddo or young adult a lava lamp. Also, if you happen to know a poor, ridiculous, busted Texan somewhere, well, one of those could always due with another lava lamp too.